musings and meditations

 

I felt the energy descend upon me,  as Maddy first welcomed Ensyth into our group. Warmth and Love,  a reassuring beginning to the evening’s energy work.

 

Later,  as we went into meditation,  I felt the energy inside my Self,  warm, loving, beyond time and space.  Bliss.

I basked in Expansiveness.

 

When or how,  I do not know,  but suddenly my consciousness shifted in an abrupt jolt.  The part of me that has learnt to be hypervigilant to danger had been triggered,  as it realized where it was.

 

I had just visited a part of my Self that had been shut off and closed down for a long time,  since my first few days in this body or even earlier.

 

I have been working with this place,  that was damaged in my childhood,   for most of my adult life.  Since I have had my own children,  and experienced the ultimate gift of loving without conditions,  it has become more accessible.

 

I have become familiar with the layers and layers of protection and defense.  I have recognized why I put them in place,  and I have seen how redundant they have become.  Life will be what it is.  They do not protect me from anything.

 

Coming to know this was a breakthrough in itself.  I have seen how defenses limit and restrict my experience and expression.  In knowing them,  they have become looser,  more conscious,  less automatic.

 

With the jolt of recognition I opened my eyes for a moment,  as I do when I get triggered in meditation.  All was well.  I was in a safe place with lovely people.

 

I settled back into the meditation feeling my defenses de-solve once more as Love radiated through my entire being once again.

 

It has taken me a few days to find the words for this.  And there have been times when the fear has taken over again.  Being on guard has been my default for such a long time.

 

And then,  with an Ease that has not been accessible to me before,  I find that I have slipped back into Openness and Love.

 

I am deeply grateful for having and sharing this experience.