musings and meditations

another layer
of self deception
put down
to protect who

disguised
in the behaviour of others
who do i see

familiar tightness
in my shoulder
are we nearly there?
this constant grumble
this boy of mine
have i done something wrong?
could i get everything right?
and nothing would change
this boy of mine

the Balance of my Life

tips

from fear —— to Trust

all the signs are here

there is no more need for vigilence

instead I trust

the Silence

and She

who emerges from it

she flows

she sees

she is All of me

and more then me

I Trust

I Am Guided

my dreams were not very accessible to me

as i begin to stir into wakefulness

my mind is quick to assert control

and i slip from the easy flow of the dream

into arbitrating the dream

what must i do about this, that, and the other

recently

dreaming

i was at a festival

dancing

full of Love

my hands in prayer position

at my chest

the grass in front of me

dissolved

into blue blue water

and a dolphin slowly emerged

we touched

tips of my fingers

to tip of her nose

I felt the energy descend upon me,  as Maddy first welcomed Ensyth into our group. Warmth and Love,  a reassuring beginning to the evening’s energy work.

Later,  as we went into meditation,  I felt the energy inside my Self,  warm, loving, beyond time and space.  Bliss.

I basked in Expansiveness.

When or how,  I do not know,  but suddenly my consciousness shifted in an abrupt jolt.  The part of me that has learnt to be hypervigilant to danger had been triggered,  as it realized where it was.

I had just visited a part of my Self that had been shut off and closed down for a long time,  since my first few days in this body or even earlier.

I have been working with this place,  that was damaged in my childhood,   for most of my adult life.  Since I have had my own children,  and experienced the ultimate gift of loving without conditions,  it has become more accessible.

I have become familiar with the layers and layers of protection and defense.  I have recognized why I put them in place,  and I have seen how redundant they have become.  Life will be what it is.  They do not protect me from anything.

Coming to know this was a breakthrough in itself.  I have seen how defenses limit and restrict my experience and expression.  In knowing them,  they have become looser,  more conscious,  less automatic.

With the jolt of recognition I opened my eyes for a moment,  as I do when I get triggered in meditation.  All was well.  I was in a safe place with lovely people.

I settled back into the meditation feeling my defenses de-solve once more as Love radiated through my entire being once again.

It has taken me a few days to find the words for this.  And there have been times when the fear has taken over again.  Being on guard has been my default for such a long time.

And then,  with an Ease that has not been accessible to me before,  I find that I have slipped back into Openness and Love.

I am deeply grateful for having and sharing this experience.

experiencing

clarity of perception

sensation

vibrantly

present

energetically

emerging

through

each moment

desire

like a tightness

a coil winding in

and up

desire

the anticipation

desiring

release

so far

i have not spelt out

my intention

to write every day

in that respect

i have not suceeded

in the past

i would have punished

my self for this

today i write

because i feel to

there is no blame

in the middle of my crisis

for a moment

I experienced my emotions

purely and simply

as an energy

moving through me

my writing

is squeezed into the corners of my life

do I still refuse to burn brightly

and

what will happen

when I stop resisting

the Light